Colbert suggests Cohen should just pay himself $130,000 "to shut up."
"Does this look like the face of someone who’s going to crack under pressure from federal investigators?" Kimmel asked in his opening monologue while showing his audience a photo of Cohen looking stressed. "I don’t think so. He looks like a dog that got caught peeing on the rug."
"But who knows," the host continued. "Michael Cohen once said he would take a bullet for Donald Trump. And Robert Mueller was like, 'Oh, great, stand right there, you want a cigarette or anything?'"
"Here’s the thing," Kimmel added. "Almost no one ultimately turns out to be loyal to Donald Trump, because Donald Trump isn’t loyal to them. He cheats in business, he cheats at golf, cheats in marriage, definitely cheats on his taxes—that’s why we haven't seen them. He throws everybody that works for him under the bus eventually. Loyalty to Donald Trump means you scratch my back, and then we’re done."
Translation: He's pretty sure Cohen will eventually see the light.
In Colbert's "Late Show" monologue, the CBS host cited a Politico article reporting Trump and his advisers are getting worried Cohan may end up cooperating with federal prosecutors after his offices were raided by the FBI. What investigators are after or if they'll end up indicting Cohen is still unclear.
Colbert joked there's a really simple solution: "Michael Cohen just pays himself $130,000 to shut up."
The comedian then cited a Trump team lawyer who said Cohen's loyalty depends on how many years in prison he's facing. "I think for two years or four years or five years, Michael Cohen would be a stand-up guy. I think he’d tell them go piss up a rope," the lawyer said. "If they look at him and say it’s not two to four years, it’s 18 to 22, then how loyal is he? Is he two years loyal? Is he 10 years loyal? Is he 15 years loyal?"
Colbert came up with an answer to that hypothetical pretty easily: "15 years? Michael Cohen disclosed Sean Hannity's name in court after being asked twice. He’s not five minutes loyal."
"Let's just pause a moment to notice that they have jumped immediately to whether Michael Cohen will turn state's evidence against the President of the United States to avoid jail time, which everybody believes is coming for at least one of these guys," Colbert concluded. "The word innocent is nowhere in this conversation. Even Justice is like, 'I'm blind, but I can smell fear.'"