'America's Got Talent' 5th Judge: Howie Mandel Nearly Loses His Head, Judges Get Roasted

On top of that, we got to see an elderly couple give us a dance routine we would have never fathomed, two brothers who managed to mess up and still advance, and a self-described "professional roaster" stick it to Tyra Banks and all four judges. All of that was fun to watch, but nothing beat Howie Mandel standing in stark terror as a blindfolded man with a sword came at him. So it was still a fun night to watch, it just wasn't as front-loaded with breathtaking talent as the season premiere.

That said, if Yumbo Dump doesn't make it to the live shows, I'm walking!

'Who do I think I am?' you ask. Well, I spent nearly a decade of my life sweating and bleeding to the music as a dancer. From a young boy learning a shuffle-ball-change to performing with the St. Louis Ballet Company, I experienced the ups and downs of one of the most difficult physically demanding sports on the planet. During this time, I was also a member of the St. Louis Symphony Youth Orchestra, as well as a gymnast, writer and cartoonist. I had a lot more energy in my younger years. And I've spent the last sixteen years analyzing and critiquing reality competition shows for various media publications. I've got this.

Fair warning, since I'm safe at home, I'm probably going to be a little harsher than my colleagues Howie, Mel B, Heidi Klum and Simon Cowell. But I might be nicer, too. Maybe. For this stage of the competition, it's just about getting through to the next round, so I'll give my vote alongside the judges. And just for fun, I'm gonna rank them from worst to first to see who emerges as my favorite each night.

(insult comic) The schtick was that he talks only about how he wants to spread positivity and joy, and then he insults everyone. But his insults weren't funny so much as they were downright rude. Watch a few Don Rickles comedy specials to see how to do it right. Some of it is his delivery, which is overly dramatic, but most of it is the lack of cleverness in his lines. Simon seemed to enjoy it, but Mel pressed his buzzer for him. The problem is that he insulted everyone on the show, so where does he go from there? I'm not sure the audience members would be ready for him tearing them apart based on their appearance.

Judges Votes: N, N, N, Y

My Vote: N

(dancers) While we might have expected some classical style from a 66-year-old woman and her 70-year-old husband, we got booty shaking and twerking instead. It was both adorable and uncomfortable at the same time. Youthful dancing coming from older people who don't have the flexibility or strength to really pull off all of the moves is really about the shock factor of seeing them try at all. It was certainly unexpected and entertaining, but not a million dollar act by any means.

Judges Votes: Y, N, Y, Y

My Vote: N

(dance troupe) With a pretty classic b-boy style, I'd have liked to see a little more dynamism and consistency in the choreography. They worked in a few stunts, but it was mostly rhythmic dancing and a sad story about their lives in the Dominican Republic. Without the story, they would have been deemed a little underwhelming overall. In a dance competition show, they would have been eaten alive. It lacked excitement and precision, though I appreciated the touch of Latin flair they worked into the overall vibe of their piece. I think this is a crew with potential; it just hasn't been realized yet.

Judges Votes: Y, Y, Y, Y

My Vote: N

(comedy act) This pair of overweight Japanese men could create sounds with various props and their bodies. So much of the charm of their performance was in their delivery, which included a sign on an easel explaining what the sound would be, shushing the audience and then shouting, "Oooh it feels so good!" after each one. Certainly one of the more unusual talents on the show, it was entertaining for sure. Is it a million dollar act? Probably not, but I found myself smiling at how much they were enjoying confusing and making people laugh. I'd love to see what more they have in their repertoire, though I don't expect much?

Judges Votes: Y, N, Y, Y

My Vote: Y

(animal impressions) Lily gave herself the giggles during her routine, but her sound effects were actually pretty good. She gave us a turkey, duck, horse, dog, rooster. She didn't just do the most obvious impressions, but actually got to the root of the genuine animal sounds and replicated them impressively. Not to mention, her giggling between impressions was just adorable. Is it a million dollar act? Probably not, but Lily is a pretty entertaining kid. There's always room for a talent that's absolutely bonkers. Simon's right, though, that she'll have to find a way to up the ante if she wants to win.

Judges Votes: Y, Y, Y, Y

My Vote: Y

(acrobatic act) This had to be one of the most unique and bizarre acrobatic acts I've ever seen. One brother laid on his back with his feet in the air and he flipped the other one over and over again in different directions and different ways. This can only be something young brohters would develop at home while bored. They suffered a mishap, but insisted on continuing, to their credit, and it was even more impressive the second time as the airborne brother was filpped and thrown up to land on his brother feet to feet, standing upright. I worry it would get repetitive if this is all they do, but I'm willing to see if they have a way to up the ante.

Judges Votes: Y, Y, Y, Y

My Vote: Y

(performance art) Silent and creepy, I really wanted there to be as much danger in the act as there was menace in the performer. The most exciting thing he did was the lengths to which he went to blind himself during the routine. The actual interactions with the three volunteers were a little underwhelming and felt tame compared to what we've seen in these kinds of acts before. Even swinging a sword at a pineapple on Howie's head wasn't as dangerous as advertised considering how high he slashed. I was underwhelmed, but I do see potential for this to be very exciting.

Judges Votes: Y, Y, Y, Y

My Vote: Y

(singer) The producers arranged it so that her performance came after a skinny singer who was complimented by the judges for being talented and attractive to emphasize that she wasn't young or thin (she was cut for not being the right size earlier in her life when she tried to pursue singing). The incident made her give up singing, so this was a big second coming for Christina at 42 years old. What's so heartbreaking is to think of how many people have been shamed into giving up their dreams and burying their natural talents. Christina has a huge voice and a command of it that many signed artists haven't figured out. The performance wasn't flawless but it was heartfelt, and she has undeniable talent.

Judges Votes: Y, Y, Y, Y

My Vote: Y

(diabolo juggling) A rather bizarre and specific style of juggling, it's interesting that Mochi has built an act around it. After admitting the diabolo failed to excite people by itself, he decided to up the ante. What he added was a fully immersive video experience behind his diabolo performance, which admittedly would have been lacking without that presentation. He'll need to diversify what the video screen is doing to really have a shot at this, but he managed to make diabolo absolutely mesmerizing. I couldn't take my eyes off of the whole presentation.

Judges Votes: Y, Y, Y, Y

My Vote: Y

(musicians) They performed after a disastrous couple stand-up act (or at least that's how the producers set it up). If the idea was to make them look better, they didn't need it. Reminding me of Alex & Sierra from "The X-Factor" a few years back, they harmonized beautifully and their love was infectious from the first note. Howie and Mel weren't impressed with their original song, but I found its joyous groove delightful. On top of that, they performed it with such gusto and enthusiasm, you couldn't help but be drawn in by it.

Judges Votes: N, Y, Y, Y

My Vote: Y

(singer) This father of six (five of them adopted) is an absolute natural as a singer, and an amazingly compassionate person as well. His story is moving, but even setting that aside, he's really something special as a singer. You can hear the heartache and suffering he's endured, as well as his unending goodness as a human being. There's a joyful strength and vulnerability he presented throughout his performance that will absolutely draw people in.

Judges Votes: Simon's Golden Buzzer

My Vote: Y

"America's Got Talent" continues Tuesday nights at 8 p.m. ET.