'American Horror Story: Apocalypse' -- Meet the Characters

The crossovers have begun, albeit very slowly, as the horror and the danger in the bunker continues to grow. Will anyone survive this "Apocalypse"?

Ryan Murphy's "American Horror Story" franchise is know for creating genuine chills and getting overwhelmed by its own ambition, and "Apocalypse" has already got us scratching our heads.

The much-promised crossovers with "Murder House" and "Coven" have begun, with the inaugural series getting the first representation. Technically, the adult Michael Langdon (Cody Fern) is a "crossover" element, but he doesn't feel nearly as visceral and real as the surprise appearance of Rubber Man outside Mr. Gallant's (Evan Peters) room.

Making the moment even more special (wait, we might have pronounced "profoundly weird and uncomfortable" wrong) is the fact that Even Peters portrayed Rubber Man in "Murder House," making their very loud tryst almost like a bizarre form of self-love, and we know his fans stan it. This was our first hint as to what things could be like as the series progresses and we see other characters portrayed by Peters and Sarah Paulson.

Will they all make love to themselves? What are you doing, Ryan Murphy? Why are we already so confused and yelling WTF at our television screens over and over again?

"Ten Little Indians"

Gallant's grandmother Evie (Joan Collins) made reference to Agatha Christie's classic mystery (renamed "And Then There Were None" in more politically correct times) and we think it means something. It's a simple story about an isolated island full of murder suspects where everyone keeps dying one by one. Is a hint as to where this season is going, Ryan Murphy? Are we really going to spend the whole thing in this bunker? Well, probably not.

Honestly, we're still trying to figure out how Gallant and his grandmother and Rubber Man all shared a bed together. It seems evident that Rubber Man is some kind of spiritual manifestation tied to Langdon -- it is kind of his dad -- but how did it pull off the old Evie switcheroo? There's no way Evie was ever in that rubber suit, because we're pretty sure she's not going to start making out with her grandson and we think he could tell the difference.

And it was totally the rubber suit when Gallant first stabbed into it with those scissors, so he was totally killing Rubber Man. Only after a quick glance to Langdon, when he looked back it was Evie. So is Evie really dead? Is Langdon just showing him his heart's desire? How is any of this possible? WTF is going on here, Ryan Murphy?

Further, if Evie is dead we are not going to be happy campers. Her takedown of Gallant tonight was absolutely breathtaking. Joan Collins is so brilliant at playing these kinds of characters, we could watch her verbally tear down everyone in that house over and over again. Someone get Joan Collins on a "Comedy Central Roast," stat!

Sanctuary House

Langdon is promising to bring a select group of people back to Sanctuary, and he's apparently brought along his own pet Rubber Man to help or hinder or do whatever the hell it's supposed to be doing. It kind of makes us think Sanctuary is "Murder House," and how cool would that be?

We already know the house has some unique properties, and more than its share of spirits, but perhaps all of that unique energy has made it some kind of safe haven for the apocalypse ... if the apocalypse is even real. Hell, at this point the whole show is kind of a WTF and we don't know what to believe, Ryan Murphy!

Y'all remember the snakes appearing in Emily's (Ash Santos) bedroom and then coming to life in the soup bowls? Yeah, so do we. WTF is that all about, Ryan Murphy? Is that a hint of "Coven" connections to come?

Anyway, back to "Murder House."

We do know that most of the characters from that first season aren't able to leave that house and so that just begs a return trip there. Plus, Langdon surely has some affinity to the place, considering everyone he knows who "lives" there. But then again, who is Langdon really? Is he the Antichrist he was teased to be? If so, what is he doing putting on this elaborate charade?

Kathy Bots?

Uh, what the hell is Kathy Bates, Ryan Murphy? You do know that we love us some Kathy Bates, and this character of hers is utterly brilliant, but what is she? Some kind of weird cyborg monster? Some kind of pus-filled radiation monster in a skin suit. We'd ask her, but she seemed as surprised as us to see what came out of her after Kyle totally shot her.

Did someone make a life-size replica of Annie Wilkes from "Misery" and throw her into the "Apocalypse"?

And if Kathy Bates isn't exactly a normal flesh-and-blood human being, what does that say about Ms. Venable? The two seem very close. Perhaps Venable, who went rogue in how she ran this place, is also an amazing robotics genius who created her own enforcer. Does that mean her towering associate is also a robot? And how do they not know this?

Is Ms. Venable Geppetto and Bates' Miriam Mead her psychopathic Pinocchio? What are you doing, Ryan Murphy? How does this connect to anything that's going on? How many mysteries do we need in each episode? Is all of this going to pay off? We only ask because in a lot of your previous seasons you throw in all this crazy nonsense and only like ten percent of it really matters.

Don't get us wrong, we love our horror with a heaping helping of the kitchen sink, but we want to know why the kitchen sink is there. And is it a kitchen sink? And why when it gets shot is it oozing some kind of white gunk and looks like circuitry? How far in the future is this?

Hey, maybe this new Rubber Man is a robot with a chameleon circuit or something, and that's how it made itself look like Gallant's grandmother. She's probably off giving someone a withering stare even as Gallant is horrified at the mess he's made on his very own bed. I mean, maybe?

Serpentine Spine

There sure were a lot of snakes in this episode, including the one all twisted up in Venable's spine. We absolutely loved it when she refused to undress for Langdon, even if her defiance didn't last. Her vehement takedown of the patriarchy she blames for this apocalypse was absolutely inspired and perhaps a little too real right now, but damn if it didn't feel good.

But then we saw that her body is twisted much as her mind and soul are. Is that just a severe case of scoliosis or is something more bizarre going on? Does Venable have something to do with the snakes? Does she store them in er spine? We didn't notice anything supernatural going on until Langdon showed up, and of course he'd bring haunted elements with him, but then we're pretty sure we have no idea what's going on at all anymore.

It's hard to imagine all those snakes in the same hour we learn of Venable's curved spine being nothing more than a series of coincidences. Is her spinal curvature significant in some way? Or is this some plot thread you're going to dangle at us, Ryan Murphy, and then just ignore later?

Also, how tall would she be if her spine were straight? She's already as tall as Langdon and that is a severe curve.

Maybe Kathy Bots' Amazonian sidekick is Venable's sister and their both supposed to be that tall. And maybe they're all weird robots made by the Sanctuary, but not told they were robots. And maybe that's why Venable doesn't want people having sex, because robots can't feel love and she loves Miram Mead and she's not ashamed to admit it, even if their human-cyborg love is forbidden and she doesn't really understand these feelings she has so kill them all kill them all.

Wow, we're going pretty far down this rabbit hole. How much you wanna bet Ryan Murphy is even further down his? We're only two episodes in and already this season of "AHS" is bonkers in ways we can't even begin to understand.

Like WTF, Ryan Murphy! Are you sure you even know what all is going on here?

And where are our witches? You know that's why most people are tuning in, right? We were kind of hoping Madison Montgomery would be under that rubber suit and destroy Gallant with a single insult. Bring on the witches!

"American Horror Story: Apocalypse" airs Wednesdays at 10 p.m. ET on FX.

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