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"I believed that if we broke up or, you know, if he left basically, it was a confirmation that it's because I'm impossible, I'm lucky that he's even tolerating my bulls---."
Anna Kendrick revealed the lengths she went to in an effort to salvage a relationship that didn't work out.
However, she says now that the experience led her on a personal journey that has resulted in greater wholeness and self-awareness.
During an emotional and candid appearance on Dax Shepard's "Armchair Expert" podcast, Kendrick went deep as she also revealed her experience in Al-Anon, therapy, and her path towards self-worth.
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Anna Kendrick Tells Dax Shepard She Thought His Wife Kristen Bell Never Liked Her
View Story"I was with someone -- this was somebody I lived with, for all intents and purposes my husband. We had embryos together, this was my person,'" the 37-year-old actress recalled. "And then about six years in, about somewhere around there, I remember telling my brother, when things had first kind of gone down, 'I'm living with a stranger. Like, I don't know what's happening.'"
Kendrick said she noticed her ex's behavior change, noting that he became "distant" and even later told her he had feelings for another woman. However, the "Pitch Perfect" star admitted that she blamed herself for the problems in the relationship.
"It wasn't just the, 'Oh, I'm losing a relationship," she explained. "It was that I believed that if we broke up or, you know, if he left basically, it was a confirmation that it's because I'm impossible, I'm lucky that he's even tolerating my bulls---."
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"There was an inherent thing of me being so rejectable that this person who loved me very deeply for six years, it suddenly occurred to him, how awful I was or something," she added. "The shame, that lingers much longer."
The "Up in the Air" star said she "dismantled" her life as a result of believing that she was "the problem" in the relationship.
"I did start going to Al-Anon while all this was going on. I mean, look, I truly dismantled my life, and at first, that was as a reaction to the accusation that I was crazy and I was the one causing the problem," Kendrick recalled. "So I had a conversation with CAA, my agency and said I need to take time off, I have a mental health problem."
She added, "I started seeing two therapists a week and I started trying to learn to meditate and I got into Al-Anon and all of these things ended up being very wonderful things for me in the long run, but initially went into them thinking, 'Tell me how to stop being crazy. Tell me how to stop feeling anything.'"
If you or someone you know needs help with mental health text "STRENGTH" to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 to be connected to a certified crisis counselor.
