Just kidding, nobody's life was in danger -- the show just made it seem that way! What was on deck was the resolution of Eric's broken promise to Angela when he decided to go on a date after saying he wouldn't.
Honestly, this was a three-hour episode of "Bachelor in Paradise" and we wish Chris Harrison would just treat all these adults like children and put a stop to all the drama and bickering.
Eric told Angela last week that they were exclusive, and that he wouldn't go on a date with anyone that showed up. So when Cassandra showed up, he immediately broke that promise and went on a date with her.
We got to see Eric and Cassandra's date: they sat in a town square and ate Popsicles. Did you know that the word "Popsicle" is actually a brand? That's why we capitalized it! Fun fact. Stick with us and you'll learn a lot.
After the frozen treats, Eric and Cassandra were approached by a man with horses that were strapped with GoPros, like he was just approaching them out of nowhere. They were then taken... somewhere... and they were crowned King and Queen in front of like 17 people? Your guess is as good as ours.
Did they kiss?
You bet your ass they did. This is 'Bachelor In Paradise!' They have a quota to meet!
Colton And Tia: OMG Can You Believe It?
What was supposed to be a shock was just yet another boring chapter in the Colton and Tia saga, which nobody is reading, or wants to read, for the sole fact that it's being assigned to us. Though, instead of being assigned by a grumpy teacher, it's a bunch of producers trying for ratings.
Anyway, Colton pulled Kevin aside and told him his heart wasn't in it with Tia. Ok, cool.
So Colton pulled Tia aside and crushed her heart like a football player crushes footballs (we're not really clear on what happens in football). He claimed he wanted it to work with Tia so bad, but he wanted her to be with someone who is crazy about her, and that he is 100% certain he isn't. He said he tried and that he just absolutely hates her guts.
He didn't say that last part (gotcha!), because he was as gentle as he could be. We just thought it needed a little spice because Colton and Tia are BORING.
So, how did it end? She cried and Colton freed himself up to possibly be the next Bachelor. Look, if Colton is the next Bachelor, we're definitely not going to watch it -- unless we're paid to watch it, like we are now, so... who knows, actually. Just be aware that we wouldn't like it or be happy with it.
Colton then left the show after kissing Tia's sunscreen slathered forehead, getting a mouthful of SPF 50 (if she's smart about sun damage). Tia also left the show. It's still unclear if anybody packs before they leave.
You know, in retrospect, this was the best part of the show so far! Not because it was engaging, beautiful, or heartbreaking -- but now the producers can't milk it anymore and we can focus more on the things coming out of Jordan's mouth.
After Eric and Angela's drama, and Colton and Tia's exit, everyone started freaking out and getting paranoid. It even made Jenna wander off and start crying? We don't know. Come on. We're like 30 minutes into this THREE HOUR episode.
Jordan rolled up his sleeves, though, and comforted her in the most Jordan way possible by saying things like, "I'm not Colton," and "You're not Tia."
And, then! Then. Then, in the middle of Jordan's interview with the camera crew, John rolls up and continues his tour as the most boring person on the planet -- because he had no idea that Colton and Tia broke up and went home. He was "napping for a long time."
Eric Comes Back From His Date
After a date that had zero chemistry from our point of view, Eric rolled back into the compound with Cassandra. They mingled for a bit, and he didn't even acknowledge Angela.
Some time later, after the damage was done, Eric did come and pull Angela to talk. Here's what they said (roughly):
Eric: I wanted to see where you were at.
Angela: You hurt my feelings, you've told me a lot of things. I was blindsided.
Eric: I woke up and felt different.
Angela: Eight hours of sleep really did that?
Eric: So you think we're in a relationship?
Angela: We told each other we were all in... so... yeah.
Eric: I don't feel connected to you when you say you're "all in."
(Does this mean he's not getting enough sexual things from her? Bro, don't be pushy.)
Angela: I don't need to say it for you to know I like you.
Eric: But you're not intimate enough. You're not all-in like I'm all-in.
Angela: And your actions this morning prove you're more all-in than I am?
Eric: That's your opinion and it's totally cool you feel that way.
Angela: So are you all in or not?
Eric: I had a nice, forced date and I'd like see if Cassandra will put out faster than you. Er, I mean, I want to pursue that relationship going forward. That's where I'm at.
Cassandra, in a pretty cool move, then decided to chat with Angela! She said that she had no idea what was going on between him and Angela because he said he went on a date with Angela, but was open to exploring other things. Angela told her that they established they were all-in with each other as a couple before she showed up.
This news rocked Cassandra, and sunk Eric's chances. Sweet, sweet karma. Ya burnt, Eric.
So Cassandra decided she needed to talk with Eric. Good. Approaching him, Cassandra wasted no time in being like, Angela thought you were one of the strongest couples here. And then Eric lied through his teeth and gave his bullshit story about waking up feeling different about it. Straight up, Cassandra told him that maybe the things he was telling Angela were fully misleading.
Eric tried to say maybe Angela was taking the things he said out of context, fully shooting himself in both of his feet. Cassandra didn't buy it and said the fact that he went on a date after telling Angela he wouldn't was a mistake. We like Cassandra.
He then tried to segue into saying Cassandra didn't have to worry about any of this, because it's not her problem or situation.
Lololololololololol (until the end of time).
Cassandra was just like, yo, shit's tarnished now so... bye. Which was cool, because she showed class, solidarity, and self-worth by doing so -- not worried about whether or not she'll be getting a rose.
Kevin Told Astrid Something!
That he's falling in love with her! Astrid told him the same, right back to him.
We Finally Figured Out What's Up With Chris's Hairline
We didn't really want to say anything, because we didn't want it to come off as mean -- but we've been noticing Chris' (not Harrison, he's perfect) unusual hairline strip for a while. The show Gods blessed us and gave us an answer through Jordan, who shaved it off for him.
Jordan called them baby bangs. Apparently Chris's hair is growing down in that area, while the rest of it is trained to go back. Why? We don't know, but holy shit we're glad Jordan was there to take care of it.
Shushanna Showshannas Up
Immediately, Shushanna said she wasn't there to be friends with girls, she just wanted to find her man. She also had a date card, and was ready to torpedo relationships.
Christen Shows Up Too
From Nick's season comes Christen, moments after Shushanna read out her vague date card. She also had a date card -- and a nickname from last season of 'Bachelor in Paradise': "Scallop Fingers." Which is probably the best nickname on the planet and we hope she embraces it. Kendall was the one who broke the nickname news to us, so we were excited to find out why Christen had that moniker.
(We paused it mid-explanation to write this part, so let's see!)
KENDALL DIDN'T TELL US WHY. Shit, how do you call someone Scallop Fingers and not explain why? Kendall, we're furious with you for this.
Luckily, the best person on this show outside of Jordan, Wells, explained to us why later: Christen was eating leftover scallops in a taxi, touched someone's shoulder, then their shoulder smelled like scallops.
That's so dumb, but it's also a great band name. "Next up is 'Scallop Fingers,' followed by a quick set by 'In Malcolm's Middle.'"
Anywho, both of the newbie ladies had tandem cards telling us they were going on a double date. If you're doing the math, two girls got to pull two guys for dates, and there were four women going home this week.
Shushanna pulled Kamil, and he explained he was there to explore options and had told Annaliese that (she confirmed this separately). So they decided to go on the double date together -- he told Annaliese after the date offer that he didn't want her to get in her own head about it and not to worry too much because he still has feelings for her.
Poor Annaliese. She was in her own head about it the entire episode.
John also got m-----------g asked to go on another f-----g date, and we were just so upset about it. John has been on too many dates for being as boring as he is (this is not an attack on who he is as a person, we're sure he's fine, he's just not TV-worthy), and this has become the John Season, which is truly unfortunate for all of the dozens of us watching at home.
A yacht!! FINALLY! We've been itching to update our failed yacht counter, so we're thrilled about this.
The date itself, though, was very very boring, because it involved John and Kamil -- Kamil being more exciting, but also not having a way with words (we get that English is his second language, but it's more of an energy-level thing).
We haven't had any time to get to know Kamil or care about him and his search for love. We're just not invested in any of these people on the group date because 3/4 of them are newcomers, and the other one is John.
Here are the bullet points:
The four went to a private beach.
Kamil's face was bleeding at one point, but not because of anything rad like a failed flip off of a cliff -- at least we don't think, because there was no explanation.
Kamil and Shushanna kissed, because this show wants to see Annaliese destroyed.
And then they didn't show anything else, just to keep the mystery going.
Thank goodness we didn't have to see how it went with John (don't take our frustration as meanness, please -- and don't crush us with that Venmo money, John).
Chris Harrison Shows Up
Chris (Harrison) called the people not on the double date into a room and said they weren't done with the dates today. To make it fair as to whom the next date went to, he brought in Ashley and Jared from a BiP season, because the show orchestrated their on-camera proposal and also gave them the power to choose who else would be going on a date.
Cool, but we only care about people trying to FIND love, not people who FOUND love.
Plus, this was a big f--k you to Kevin, because he was in a relationship with Ashley on Winter Games. So he got to see his ex, who essentially cheated on him, get engaged right in front of him.
So Of Course Kevin Gets The Date Card
Good! And Kevin immediately asked Astrid to go. He was really in his own head about the f----d up display from his ex, so it was the least the producers could do.
They got to leave the compound and go have dinner with each other, and have some privacy (in front of a crew and TV audience). They talked about the events of the day, and then Astrid told him that she has, 100%, fallen for him -- and he told her he loved her too!
We would watch Kevin and Astrid for 10 straight episodes -- even though we already know they're in love -- if that meant we never had to watch another John date.
After his date with Shushanna, the show left it up in the air as to how it truly went to heighten our anticipation to see if a grown woman was about to get her mind and heart obliterated (think about how messed up that is for a second!). So, did she?
Nope! All is well, because Kamil didn't feel the connection with Shushanna despite that kiss we saw.
Sometimes when a show wants to drown you in sadness, they have to throw you a life preserver to keep you interested... before popping it and watching you drown some more.
Kamil and Annaliese went to bed together, which was probably very restful and not at all about gettin' mad rutty.
Olivia Felt A Spark With John?
As soon as John came back from his half of the double date, Olivia pulled him aside and fed him some food and kissed him and John didn't even mention Christen at all. Cool. But, Olivia -- can you explain to us about that spark again? Was that like a spark you get when you're going down a fun plastic slide, during all the excitement? Or was it like grabbing the door handle after shuffling out of a muggy sedan from the 90's?
Anyway, Olivia then felt confident, but John went off with Christen and invaded her mouth with parts of his own mouth. We could not care less about any of it.
Cocktail Hour Gets Messy
Four girls were going home, so this cocktail party meant everything to the ladies. But wait, there was a TWIST! The show was pumping it up like it was the end-all, be-all of twists.
So, was it?
Before we tell you, we're absolutely furious that Cassandra tried to make amends with Eric just for the rose. She had every right to be upset with the garbage he pulled with Angela, and it was horse shit that she decided the rose was more important than sticking to her guns.
Also, Shushanna tried to take Kamil again, but he was pretty much like there was no connection, girl. She started crying, and then walked off sad. We would be sad too if we showed up to maybe turn around and leave paradise in like 24 hours. We wouldn't be sad, however, if something didn't work out after ONE DATE.
Back to that twist: It was a new arrival, a dude, and he had a rose. It was Jordan from New Zealand. All we could think was, great, now we have to make the Chris (not Harrison) joke with two Jordans.
So all the ladies without a guaranteed rose had one hour to woo this new meat. Let's run through that real quick.
Christen went in with a fake "down under" accent and Jordan said she sounded like a drunk Mary Poppins. Smooth, Christen.
Angela was shown a term that New Zealanders use: "I'm not here to f--k spiders," which is like saying "I'm not here to f--k around," apparently.
Chelsea got real about wanting to find love, despite it having not happened yet on the show. She even told him she has a child, which definitely feels like the reason nobody is going for her -- which is a bummer, because moms deserve to find love, too!
Shushanna sabotaged Chelsea's time with him, which is shitty.
THEN OUT OF NOWHERE, Chelsea decided she needed to talk to Kamil, who said he and Annaliese are still in the friendship stage (despite spending the night together, and Annaliese saying she'd marry him). Chelsea then told the camera that she wanted to shake up the compound and tried to get into Kamil's head about the power he has to meet other people.
Chelsea then pulled Annaliese aside and tried to tell her that what Kamil was saying about their relationship didn't really match what Annaliese was saying about it. Annaliese just didn't trust her, though.
Did Chelsea get sent home? Was it Annaliese who went home, in an upset? Is any of this real or is it all scripted? After a three-hour episode, we hope that some of it was real, because otherwise we could have been doing literally anything else.
Annaliese started the ceremony by turning to Chelsea and telling her to stop "poking the bear." Chelsea played dumb, but she literally told us that's what she was doing, so we don't feel bad for her getting called out.
Here's how the "in-the-balance" roses went:
Eric ended up choosing Cassandra for his rose.
Jordan (not Model) chose Shushanna.
John chose Olivia (we know this because one of our snores woke us up to catch the tail end).
And Kamil chose Annaliese, despite all the last minute drama.
Here's who got sent packing: Chelsea, Christen, and Angela.
Christen had some sort of medial issue happen where she almost threw up and almost passed out. Chelsea also basically had a panic attack because she just left her kid for so long and had nothing to show for it.
Well, now she can go home and be with her child, not wasting anymore time trying to find love on reality tv.
Then the show ended! Google Docs is telling us that this article is nine pages long so you'll have to excuse us for not writing a strong article conclusion. Did you read through the whole thing? Be honest!
See you tomorrow!
Episode Yacht Count: 1
Total Yacht Count: 2
"Bachelor in Paradise" airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.