"Yes, we are rich, famous, beautiful and powerful, but that doesn't mean we aren't human. We put on our Fendi jeans just like you: one leg at a time and with the help of five staff members," writes "North West."
Each week, "Nori" will be recapping new episodes of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" and giving us HER take on all the family drama.
(NOTE: The below was not actually written by North West.)
Sunday was the conclusion of the season finale of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians." Unbelievably, the Tristan-Jordyn storyline was dragged on for two full episodes. It might even go into next season because we need the content. -NW
Sunday's episode of "KUWTK" opened with Kourtney doing a photo shoot for her lifestyle website, POOSH. Kourtney was excited to start the Kourtney empire.
A photo shoot to launch a Tumblr page seems like a huge waste of money. However, if this is how she wants to spend her severance pay she got when I closed DASH, that's her business. -NW
After the shoot, Kim and Kourtney talked about how Khloe had not been showing any emotions in regard to Tristan cheating on her with Jordyn. They decided that they needed to take Khloe on a girls trip to Palm Springs to stay at their family vacation home. On the way there, Tristan texted Khloe suggesting a spa day. Khloe didn't respond because she said she wanted to make sure her mental health was good first and that she'd reply when she was ready.
Spa days are for the first time you get cheated on publicly. The second time, you're going to need to add a mani-pedi and a new wig. Tristan really doesn't know anything. -NW
Kourtney broke out her 'breakup playlist' for the road trip. The playlist had a good amount of shady songs. Kim took the opportunity to lip-sync for her millions of followers on social media the lyrics to Brandy's "Who Is She 2 U?" This song is about a woman confronting her man about cheating.
Mommy is seriously in high school. Imagine living with this woman. -NW
Back in Calabasas, Kylie and Kris talked about Jordyn. Kylie admitted that she and Jordyn had not been talking. Kris said it felt like they were going through a divorce because they were so close. Kylie said that Jordyn moved in with her mom because she knew she could no longer stay at Kylie's house. Kylie said she felt confused when she first heard about Tristan and Jordyn and that she just shut down because she really didn't know how to feel.
It feels like Auntie Kylie and Jordyn are going through a divorce because of all the paperwork Jordyn had to sign when she moved out of Auntie Kylie's house. Also, they're in a pretty nasty custody battle over Stormi. -NW
Kylie mentioned that she had no idea that Jordyn's lip kits were on sale until she saw it on social media. She thought it was fake until she checked her Kylie Cosmetics website. Her team informed her that Jordyn's lip kits had been on sale weeks prior to all of the drama because of packaging changes. Kylie had the sale pulled from her website because she didn't want to come across as messy. Kris said that was amazing how two people's action can affect everyone because everyone is hurting and in pain. Kylie hoped there would be a light at the end of the tunnel, but she didn't see one.
Auntie Kylie has recently replaced Jordyn with a new No. 1 best friend, Stass. I look forward to seeing her lip kit. And yes, if Stass makes out with Corey, her lip kit will be going on sale as well. -NW
In Palm Springs, Khloe, Kim, Kourt and Malika had dinner, and the drinks were flowing. Khloe showed the table a video of Sia tearfully giving her words of encouragement and support.
If I had any respect for Sia, this would be when I lost all of it. She wrote one of the greatest songs of all time, "Chandelier," and yet she's on national TV crying over a relationship no one thought would last in the first place. -NW
Next, Kim FaceTimed Kimora Lee Simmons. Kimora said that they couldn't let people take advantage of their family. She also said that Khloe couldn't allow that kind of disrespect, regardless of whether she was with her baby daddy or not. Khloe agreed and said she was going to go back to the old Khlo Money. She wanted people to be afraid. She said that in the past, Kim and Kris have calmed her down too much for the sake of their image and brand, but she wanted to go back to being aggressive. Kourtney loved it.
I would like to remind Auntie Khloe that Khlo Money was married to Lamar Odom and she also was cheated on repeatedly. Maybe try being someone else, like a Judy. Judys rarely get cheated on. -NW
The girls then called Kris to let her know they were changing their tone and not doing things the "Kris Jenner" way anymore. Khloe said all these girls think they can sleep with their men and that they'll probably try to sleep with Kris' man, too. After not getting the response she wanted from Kris, Khloe wanted to call Kanye to vent because she felt like she could relate to him more in that moment. Khloe told Kanye that she was sick and tired of losers messing with them and that she was done being calm and zen about everything. Kanye suggested she send 200 tweets.
I was unimpressed by Auntie Khloe's performance. I heard the same rant about "changing the tone" when Uncle Rob first got with Blac Chyna. We all know how that story ended. -NW
After getting incredibly drunk, Khloe called Tristan's friend, Savas. Savas was at Tristan's house in Cleveland and said that Tristan was lonely and in bad shape. He also said that Tristan said he didn't remember what happened between him and Jordyn. That angered Khloe and she started screaming, "Liaaaaaaaaar!"
After drunk dialing everyone in her phone, Khloe headed upstairs to do face masks with Kourtney and Kim. Khloe got very rough and physical with Kourt because she was so drunk and emotional.
It's easy to forget that Auntie Kourtney is tiny and needs to be handled with care. She wears the same shirt size as Chicago. -NW
The next morning, Kylie called Kim to tell her that she saw Kim being shady on social media. Kylie told her that the family was better and bigger than the bullying. Kylie also said that she saw Jordyn and that she was really going through it. She started crying and said that no one deserves what's going on. Kylie said that everyone needed to talk about it in person instead of bullying online. Kim said she didn't want to be a part of the bullying and admitted that sometimes she can get petty.
When a billionaire speaks, you listen. Since Auntie Kylie became Kris' favorite, she gets to boss Mommy around. I've been loving every second of it. However, I think everyone should know that Mommy is actually not better than bullying. It has become her brand lately, and it's sad. Just the other day, I was bullied into going to school. She's a monster. -NW
Back at Kim's house, Kim told Jonathan that the publicity from the Jordyn and Tristan drama was out of control. She said she had to text everyone's favorite "why are you here" girl, Larsa, to tell her to stop talking to the media and that she looked lame commenting on the situation to TMZ. Kim also told her it made it look like everyone around the family was trying to get extra shine. Larsa was apologetic. Kim said she also messed up by being petty on social media. Kim realized Khloe would speak for herself when she was ready. Kim blamed the internet for taking over the narrative.
Larsa needs to act right or she'll be looking to book her "Red Table Talk" appearance. Larsa wouldn't last one day without us. It's cold living in our shadow, but Larsa, put on a jacket and play your position. -NW
Later at Kim's house, Khloe found out about Jordyn planning to appear on Jada Pinkett Smith's show, "Red Table Talk." Khloe was furious and pulled publicist Tracy Romulus in the car to call Kris. Khloe couldn't believe that Jordyn couldn't call her to apologize but could do a sit-down interview. Kris said that Jada texted her to tell her Jordyn wanted to do her show. Kris said she asked Jada to call her, but she never heard from her. Khloe said that she always had Kris' back and wished she felt the same from Kris. Khloe continued to yell at Kris for about 5 more minutes before she hung up on her.
Kris really dropped the ball on this. I had multiple offers to do a sit-down with Auntie Khloe, and she never jumped on any of them. Auntie Khloe will never get this type of press again. No one wants to talk to her about Good American jeans. -NW
Later, the Kardashians had a family meeting about everything that had been going on. Khloe said she was shocked that Jordyn was doing a sit-down interview before apologizing to her, but Scott thought Jordyn might just be scared because the family is so powerful. Khloe said she didn't care if she was scared and that Jordyn should've been scared to touch her man. She believed Jordyn got too comfortable.
I opted out of the family meeting. I went to the first "Tristan cheated" meeting and was very disappointed in how bad the food was. -NW
After the meeting, the family sat down for dinner. Kim asked Khloe if she'd rather know or not know about Tristan cheating. Khloe said that when she was married to Lamar, she didn't find out about him cheating until he confessed in therapy, which she was thankful for. However, with Tristan, she said she needed hardcore proof. She said that even though Tristan loves her, he doesn't have respect for her because he cheated so publicly. She said she knew something was wrong with Tristan, but she didn't know something was wrong with Jordyn. MJ said it was such a betrayal from a family friend.
There is a rumor that Jordyn also made out with MJ's man. -NW
At Khloe's rental house, Khloe told Kourtney that she was sending someone to go get her stuff from Tristan's home in Cleveland. She wanted to time it for when Tristan was not home so it wouldn't be awkward. Tristan texted Khloe while she was talking to Kourtney. Khloe said that Tristan had been calling and texting her all night. Khloe said that she appreciated the texts and calls because this made her know that she mattered to him to some degree. However, she said there was no amount of texts or calls that could repair their relationship.
Jordyn went on Jada's show and spoke her truth. Khloe tweeted her thoughts about what Jordyn had to say, and everyone on social media turned on her. Kim went to check on her to see how she was doing after everything had happened. Khloe said she didn't know how everything flipped. She admitted she tweeted out of emotion, but Jordyn made a point to say she wasn't the reason Khloe and Tristan broke up, and Khloe was just reiterating that she was part of the reason. Khloe felt bad if anyone thought that she was putting the sole blame on Jordyn, but she wanted people to understand she was only human.
Khloe said she was strong enough to handle the situation but that it sucked it had to be so public. She said that she wasn't just a TV show or an episode; this was her real life. She said she gets that she and her family are entertainment, but she wanted the world to be a little more understanding. Khloe ended up putting out a public statement on social media clarifying the comments she made about Jordyn breaking up her family.
Yes, we are rich, famous, beautiful and powerful, but that doesn't mean we aren't human. If you prick us, do we not bleed? We put on our Fendi jeans just like you: one leg at a time and with the help of five staff members. Some of you really need to find some compassion. -NW
Later, Khloe called Kris to apologize for being angry and yelling at her about Jordyn's appearance on "Red Table Talk." She said she was in the heat of the moment and angry about a million things. She said she felt that Kris wasn't defending her at the time. Khloe said that moving forward, she wanted Kris to stop trying to please everyone. Kris told her she was right and appreciated her apology.
If we don't have a scandal soon, next season will be trash. I have a meeting with our writers today to see what we can come up with. Kendall getting pregnant is on the table. We also might explore giving Scott a drinking problem again. People seem to really like that storyline. -NW
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