"We can talk eye to eye; we just need two apple boxes for you," Glanville says, before taking a shot at Judge's strained family relationships.
Brandi's good friends with Kelly Dodd, who's been the subject of scrutiny since the Season 13 reunion, where Vicki Gunvalson accused her of being a cocaine addict. This season, Vicki and Tamra spoke about (to various extents on camera) a rumor they had heard about Kelly participating in some sort of sex "train" with multiple men. They've also scoffed at several of her recent relationships.
"We're gonna talk about how stupid people are," Glanville prepped her viewers, oversized wineglass in hand. "It happens. Like, allegedly, Tamra Grudge. Oh! I mean, Tamra Judge. Right? Is that her name? I don't remember. I asked Alexa what her birthday was, and Alexa was like, 'Hm, I don't know.' So I don't really know that much about you, bitch."
"What I do know is that you went to the press and decided to call me unstable after you threatened me with a lawyer because you threw out the first stone and tweeted me something horrible," she went on. "Coward much, bitch? Come on."
"You know, it's funny because I think that you came after Bethenny, too," Brandi said in reference to the indirect shade Tamra threw at Bethenny Frankel over her decision to leave "The Real Housewives of New York" to focus on her daughter, business and charity. "She's a Scorpio, did I tell you? Don't f--k with Scorpios. Big mistake. Huge. Huge! Like Julia Roberts in ['Pretty Woman']. Oh! Julia Roberts' a Scorpio, too. Huge mistake. We might be a little crazy ... Smart as f--k and loyal as f--k, Tamra."
But that was only Brandi's appetizer. Taking a giant sip of her wine, she was ready for the main course.
"Girl, I just wanna tell you," Brandi said, taking a pause. "So I don't wanna be sued, obviously, and lawyers are threatened for no reason all the time, but I feel like if anyone can sue anyone, it would be me suing someone calling me unstable that I didn't know."
Grabbing a spray-painted trucker hat and placing it on top of her head, Glanville continued, "Tamra, oh my God, I cannot believe you said I was unstable and then DM'd me. You f--king DM'd me like a coward. Let me read it to y'all. I did not answer it on DM 'cause I don't believe in that. If you're coming for me publicly, f--king stay in the public eye. Why are you doing it behind [your phone]? You're a coward."
"So this is what Tamra DM'd me right after she said I was unstable," Brandi said, reading from her phone. "She said, 'I didn't call you unstable.' Huh? Random. 'I was referring to a castmember.' Shut the f--k up, bitch. 'When I said Kelly is the new Brandi, it's because you guys go full-force mean on your comments about your castmembers.' Do we? Really, Tamra? You're the queen of mean. I think you just said that Kelly likes rich men more than she actually likes her daughter. That's really nice of you. Super sweet, honey."
Reading the message, Brandi continued, "'I don't really care to fight with you. I don't even know you. You started this when you called me a hypocritical asshole.'"
"Tamra, I didn't call you that," Glanville maintained. "I sent out a general tweet about people being hypocritical assholes. Clearly, I hit a nerve. But I didn't @Tamra, I didn't @OC, I didn't @Housewives, so I think you feel bad for a reason 'cause you know you're a f--king hypocritical asshole. Yeah! I meant it for you all, but it struck a nerve for sure."
For reference, this is the message Brandi tweeted the night the "train" episode aired: "The moment you swear to not talk about a RUMOR you may have heard within ur group, yet you KNOW 100% your on f--king camera your a f--king hypocritical asshole." She added a hashtag we assume was supposed to say "gross."
On her last episode of "Drinking & Tweeting," Brandi described Tamra as "meh." This episode, she took the relatively innocuous word several steps further.
"All I did was say that you were meh in this YouTube video, and you came out swinging, tiny dancer," Brandi said, explaining the story behind the name choice. "People that're like 5 feet and under that have to yell loud and flail around a lot to get attention, I call them tiny f--king dancers. That's you, bitch."
"And as far as September 19th goes, I will be in the O.C. for an appearance that you're scheduled to be at," she added. "And we can talk eye to eye; we just need two apple boxes for you."
"So, when I say that you're meh," Glanville continued to explain, "you're talking shit about Kelly saying she pushed her mom down the stairs, saying that she's not there for her daughter, saying she's unstable. I think that you're just jealous. It could be that you're going through meh-nopause, or it could be that you're just meh-chanical, or maybe you're just a meh-sogynist, or maybe you're just f--king meh-ssy as f--k. There we go."
"Tamra, I think you're a coward," she added, looking directly into the camera. "Please don't ever DM me again. Ever, ever, ever. Please stop talking shit about the people you say that you care about that are on your cast because I feel like, yeah, sometimes people go low, but you're lower. Like, we're on the sidewalk; you're in the gutter. We're a train wreck; you're a bus wreck. Might've said that the other day, but I mean it. We might even be a car wreck and you're a train wreck."
Taking another big gulp, Brandi suggested, "Maybe you should go hang out with your grandkids. Have a good day." Looking at an off-camera producer, she asked, "I mean, do the grandkids talk to her? I'm kidding," and let out a belly laugh as she tossed her trucker hat across the room.
When asked if she'd ever join another city's "Real Housewives" franchise, Tamra said no, adding that the ladies of Orange County "go straight for the jugular, and I'm not down for that. It's disgusting."
"If I was on O.C., I would be in jail. Let's be clear. I would be in f--king jail," she said. "You think Kelly's low? I can go really f--kin low. It's been actually fun for me to have these horrible, horrible human beings come for me and just set them straight."
When asked if she'd ever throw wine at Tamra, Brandi reiterated, "I def def def def can't be in the O.C. with Tamra. Let's be clear. Or Vicki. I think they're both vile human beings."
Got a story or a tip for us? Email TooFab editors at firstname.lastname@example.org.