Mariska Hargitay Reveals She Was Sexually Assaulted in New Essay, Had Her Own 'Reckoning'

In a new essay written by the Law & Order: SVU star for People, Hargitay, who is best known for her role as Olivia Benson, a steadfast detective determined to solve crimes of sexual assault and catch the perpetrators, on the cult-favorite series, was too assaulted, a "reckoning" she said she's only just recently come to terms with.

"He was a friend. Then he wasn't. I tried all the ways I knew to get out of it. I tried to make jokes, to be charming, to set a boundary, to reason, to say no. He grabbed me by the arms and held me down. I was terrified," Hargitay recalled. "I didn't want it to escalate to violence. I now know it was already sexual violence, but I was afraid he would become physically violent. I went into freeze mode, a common trauma response when there is no option to escape. I checked out of my body."

Unable to process the pain, Hargitay did what she had to to survive -- she removed the trauma from her narrative.

"I couldn't process it. I couldn't believe that it happened. That it could happen. So I cut it out. I removed it from my narrative. I now have so much empathy for the part of me that made that choice because that part got me through it," the 59-year-old TV star explained. "It never happened. Now I honor that part: I did what I had to do to survive."

Hargitay shifted her focus to helping other survivors of abuse and sexual violence, all the while not including herself in the count.

"For a long time, I focused on creating a foundation to help survivors of abuse and sexual violence heal. I was building Joyful Heart on the outside so I could do the work on the inside," Hargitay shared. "I think I also needed to see what healing could look like. I look back on speeches where I said, 'I'm not a survivor.' I wasn't being untruthful; it wasn't how I thought of myself."

It was until talking about what happened with those closest to her did Hargitay really see it for what it was -- rape.

"They were the first ones to call it what it was. They were gentle and kind and careful, but their naming it was important. It wasn't a confrontation, like 'You need to deal with what happened,' it was more like looking at it in the light of day: 'Here is what it means when someone rapes another person, so on your own time, it could be useful to compare that to what was done to you,'" she said. "Then I had my own realization. My own reckoning."

Hargitay continued, "Now I’m able to see clearly what was done to me. I understand the neurobiology of trauma. Trauma fractures our mind and our memory. The way a mirror fractures."

While her friends and husband Peter Hermann helped guide Hargitay to a point of reckoning, it was other survivors, diehard fans of the show, who have given her the strength to move forward and to speak out.

"Survivors who've watched the show have told me I've helped them and given them strength. But they're the ones who've been a source of strength for me. They've experienced darkness and cruelty, an utter disregard for another human being, and they've done what they needed to survive," she said. "For some, that means making Olivia Benson a big part of their lives -- which is an honor beyond measure -- for others, it means building a foundation. We're strong, and we find a way through."

As for what she wants for survivors of sexual assault in the future, it's to remove the shame that often surrounds their stories.

"I said for a long time that my hope was for people to be able to talk about sexual assault the same way they now talk about cancer. Tell someone you’ve survived cancer, and you're celebrated. I want the same response for sexual assault survivors," Hargitay maintained. "I want no shame with the victim. The shame of the act belongs with the perpetrator: they're the ones who committed the heinous, shameful act."

She continued, "I want this violence to end. Sexual violence persists not because of something unchangeable in our human condition, it exists because power structures are in place that allow it to happen. Those power structures are so pervasive that no one is immune from them. They breed thoughts like 'I must have done something to cause this.' And our society agrees: 'Yes, you brought this upon yourself.' That is false and it must change. The violence ends when the power structure changes."

When it comes to her preparator, Hargitay is simply looking for an apology, something that signifies that this person who did this to her has taken accountability and is sorry for what they've done.

And while this experience is part of her story, it's just one part, a painful part that Hargitay says does not define her as she prepares to enter a new decade of her life.

"This is a painful part of my story. The experience was horrible. But it doesn't come close to defining me, in the same way that no other single part of my story defines me," she said. "No single part of anyone's story defines them."

"I'm turning 60, and I'm so deeply grateful for where I am," Hargitay added. "I'm renewed and I'm flooded with compassion for all of us who have suffered. And I'm still proudly in process."

The National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline -- 800.656.HOPE (4673) -- provides free, 24/7 support for those in need.