According to Tana, the relationship started to unravel immediately after their nuptials, a night she called "hell."
Tana Mongeau is setting the record straight about her relationship with Jake Paul, all while feeling at her "lowest" point ever.
In a 40-minute YouTube video titled "the truth about everything," the 21-year-old internet personality admitted her marriage to the fellow YouTuber is far from what she imagined it would be when the two said "I do" in an over-the-top Las Vegas ceremony in July of this year.
"This year is coming to a close, and I'm just not happy," she began the lengthy and candid confession. "I'm so unhappy with the way my relationship with Jake looks in the public eye, and I've done so much pretending that I don't care what I do. So it's my fault."
"I loved Jake so much. I still do, but I did so much of being the cool girl and not caring because I wanted to do life with this person and I wanted to see them happy and thrive and I wanted to show them that there are people that will accept you for who you are," she went on. "I think I put so much of myself into Jake that I lost myself, and that's not his fault. And I'm not blaming him for that at all. It's just the reality. I don't regret it."
After splitting from Brad Sousa in April, Tana started dating Jake and says she got immediately "consumed" by his world. The commitment, she says, was not reciprocated.
"It was the best feeling in the world, being so on-the-same-page with someone. It was like a drug," she explained of the start of their romance. "Something that was making me the happiest, most motivated and inspired I'd ever been was also simultaneously helping me succeed and achieve so many dreams that I'd had. I was just so enamored."
"I realize that Jake, he's like me in a lot of ways," she continued. "He's easily bored and easily enticed by new things. I didn't want to lose him... It was almost like a switch flipped in my head that was like, whatever he wants to do, I want to do."
Though fans -- and possibly even Jake -- thought the couple's budding romance and whirlwind wedding that she admits "started as a joke" was a way to boost their fame, Tana claims she was in it for love.
"It was fun and funny to make the clout jokes and make Jake laugh and make Jake probably think that I cared about clout," she said. "But it was a lot more than that, and it's my fault for not expressing that... I wanted to be what he wanted, which looking back is also so unhealthy."
"I think the second he said 'I do' to me, he kind of mentally was like, 'Now what?'" she added. "I think he mentally was also over it. I don't blame him, but it left me clinging, trying to make this work."
According to Tana, the relationship started to unravel immediately after their nuptials, a night she called "hell." Though she agreed to have an open relationship, she hoped it would lead to something more serious and monogamous.
"I wanted to be the cool girlfriend that he never had," she admitted. "I feel like an open relationship to Jake was him still being able to have sex with a new bitch every night, which I am not blaming him. I was the one green-lighting everything because I just wanted to make him happy. And letting it kill me. You can only let something kill you for so long until it's actually going to f--king kill you."
Admitting she didn't give him any pushback, she explained it's because she "wanted to maintain this image of not caring," adding that she now feels she "should have been far more transparent with him and myself and the world."
Reflecting on the past year, Tana regrets that she didn't behave in the "boss bitch" way she typically does.
"Everything is filled with people telling me how stupid I look for the 30,000th time this year and telling me they're so disappointed in me for not standing up for myself and being a boss bitch," she said. "It's hard because I don't know what I feel... I'm just sad. I'm sick of my image being a door mat."
Despite her message, Tana confirmed she's "still with Jake" and insists this was not a "hate video."
"I always want to be close with Jake, no matter what. I shared one of the craziest times of my life with this person, and we were a team and he made me feel some of the best feelings I've ever felt just as a person, but also some of the worst," she explained. "I feel I should have been far more transparent with him and myself and the world, but I just couldn't. Jake could f--king kill my whole family; I will always love him. I will always have a bond with him that I don't ever see myself having with anyone else."
Tana concluded the video by noting that she was afraid of how Jake would react to it. He has not publicly responded to it.