"You're too old to be messy!" Schroeder tells her once-best friend.
This. This is why we love this show.
The drama was not lacking on Monday's new episode of "Vanderpump Rules," during which Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright packed up their bags and their friends and headed to Miami for their joint bachelor-bachelorette party.
Almost none of the trip went swimmingly, as tensions were already high in the airport before even taking off. Stassi Schroeder walked into a bookstore and jokingly moved her book to the front, which Lala Kent captured on video. Meanwhile, Ariana Madix ran over to Tom Sandoval and told him she spent 45 minutes in the store and never saw Stassi's book, arguably insinuating that Stassi had brought her own to plant in the store -- at least that's how Stassi perceived the comment.
She was also still furious with Sandoval over last week's TomTom blowup. So was Beau Clark. So once everyone arrived at the South Beach hotel, Sandoval took Stassi aside to apologize for the rage text he sent her. She called him a "dick" and didn't issue an apology for screaming at him in the bar he has a stake in. Sando was upset about that.
During the group's first night out, the guys went to a strip club while the girls put on the tackiest wedding dresses they could find and went to a different club. It's important to note Jax had the time of his life, even though he later told Brittany he gets "so awkward" at strip clubs. Meanwhile, Beau was actually awkward and told a stripper he couldn't talk to her because his girlfriend was Satan. (Take notes, gentlemen.)
The girls' night ended abruptly after bottle service girls came out with a huge sign that said, "Don't do it, Brittany!" Though most of the girls thought it was a "funny" little jab that the establishment likely does with all bachelorette parties, Kristen Doute told Brittany it was tacky and rude. By this point, everyone was wasted, so Brittany bought what Kristen was selling and called it a night.
Back at the hotel, she sobbed to the girls about how she has to "hear it every f--king day, people telling me that they don't like me, they don't like Jax, they don't like us together. So the last thing I wanted was to come on my bachelorette party and have to go out and [see] a f--king sign saying, 'Don't do it, Brittany!'"
Stassi, Lala and Katie Maloney assured a hysterical Brittany there was no way the club owners were intentionally trying to hurt her. Ariana even said they did the same thing to a friend of hers! But Kristen, and therefore Brittany, felt differently.
Brittany felt she was being told she was "a piece of shit for getting married," which Lala disagreed with. "I completely respect where you're coming from," she said, before Brittany insisted she wouldn't have liked it, either. Lala said she honestly wouldn't have cared, then went on to read for the camera an example of the types of messages she gets on a daily basis.
"'News flash, Lala. Just because giving blowjobs gets you a taste of the rich life doesn't mean you aren't trash,'" she read from her phone, noting, "It sounds like this person is mad because she gives blowjobs and it gets her like a 1999 Honda Civic."
Meanwhile, Kristen was riling up Brittany every time the bride-to-be was finally starting to calm down. "But just acknowledge the fact that it hurt her feelings!" Kristen shouted at Lala, who was stumped because she literally just had. "Honey, we've been acknowledging it for the past hour and half!" Lala shouted back, telling Kristen she was "off your f--king rocker."
Once a wasted Jax showed up with half-eaten boxes of pizza and chicken wing bones for the girls, all was forgotten. (It's the thought that counts, right?)
Oh, also, Beau decided to confront Sandoval over the rage text he sent Stassi, and it was adorable. Sandoval got sort of heated but didn't say anything we haven't already heard. Neither guy walked away from the conversation totally happy, but they decided to just go back inside and drink and have fun.
The next day, Sandoval dropped $5,000 for what looked like the love child of a yacht and a booze cruise. It was open bar, so naturally, things got weird. Kristen pulled Lala aside to squash their beef from the night before. Lala was more than accepting. Then Brian Carter came up. Lala asked how that situation was going. Sensing Kristen wasn't being honest, she pressed her about the last time they had sex. It was the day she moved out of her apartment and into the home she vehemently told all her friends was hers and only hers. Funny, because when Ariana was helping Kristen move in earlier in the episode, she noticed a box with Carter's name on it.
Ariana also decided to approach Stassi on the boat and figure out why the latter had been giving her such dirty looks. Stassi explained the whole airport book fiasco, then brought up how she felt Ariana was defending Sandoval's behavior during her book signing. Ariana agreed the text was too much, then shifted the blame to Tom Schwartz.
Stassi obviously told Katie what Ariana had said about her husband, which Katie decided to bring up during the girls' dinner later that night. That's when Kristen stepped away to take a phone call. It was Carter, who called Kristen "babe" and asked if he could stop by her house while she was away to pick up his photography equipment. She said no problem and gave him the code to get in.
Once back at the table, Katie asked Kristen where she had gone. She said Carter called and explained what he said. Stassi's mouth unhinged and fell to the floor during said explanation.
"At some point, you gotta [cut him off]," Katie said, which Kristen met with, "We're still gonna communicate. I'm gonna see him on Saturday." Sighing, Katie replied, "Then you guys may as well get back together. I give up."
That's when Stassi jumped in. "Don't ever, ever say that I haven't checked in on you because there's nothing to check in on," she told Kristen, who ordered her to "stop making this about you again!"
"It's [Brittany's] bachelorette party," Kristen added. "We should all just be good friends to Brittany instead." Mockingly, Stassi and Katie flailed, "We're bad friends! We're terrible people!"
"I actually felt really badly about the fact that I hadn't been there," Stassi told Kristen. "And then the next time, Carter's there!" Kristen fired back, "That doesn't work for you," but Stassi insisted the problem was that Kristen was lying about the status of her relationship.
"I can't spend another hour watching you cry and then bring him around again and say, 'Everyone be nice to him!'" Stassi shouted. "We're not 22. We can't do this shit anymore. It's weird! You've just gone back and forth and back and forth."
Kristen maintained she was "doing the best that I can," but neither Stassi nor Kristen were buying it. "But it's messy," Kristen defended, as Stassi fired back, "You're too old to be messy!"
"This doesn't feel like love to me," Kristen replied. Stassi agreed, adding that she felt she had a "black heart about it."
"If the roles were reversed, I wouldn't jump down someone's throat because I've been through it with both of them," Kristen told the rest of the table. "When Tom was f--king around on her for years, I didn't treat you like that."
Katie had had it. "Excuse me?! Excuse me?! Excuse me?!" she shouted. "What do you mean when Tom was f--king around on me?! Go f--k yourself, Kristen! You're a miserable person. You're miserable. You've never been happy in a single relationship in your f--king life!"
"Vanderpump Rules" airs Tuesdays at 9 p.m. on Bravo.