"I am embarrassed. I feel like I look weak," she tells TooFab.
Fans of "Teen Mom OG" know that newcomer Mackenzie Mckee has not had the easiest year. On top of losing her mother to a long battle with cancer, she also had to deal with a cheating scandal with husband Josh.
"[MTV] decided that they were gonna start filming, and it was like my life fell apart right then and right there. I mean, they followed the darkest year of my life and I pray I never have a year that bad again, ever," the mother of three tells TooFab.
With the personal drama, naturally comes online hate and she has experienced her fair share. "The only things that are hard to read are, 'your husband's a douchebag.' Those are the only things that are annoying to me right now to read."
Fans saw her marriage hit a rock bottom when Josh confessed to being inappropriate with another woman while on a work trip. McKee made it clear she was through with the relationship even going as far as drawing up divorce papers. However, after Josh promised to change and made a grand gesture on her 25th birthday, she said yes to renewing their wedding vows and start fresh.
"People couldn't even accept good from Josh. They already decided that they hate him and that was all that was shown. All of the gaps were missed," the MTV star says. "He was hurt and he made a bad decision and that's kind of all that showed in the show."
She goes on to give us a bit more context behind the proposal. "He had no clue MTV was in town and if you could ask my mom, he spent hours. He was living out of the house; he wasn't living here. He was sending me gifts every day, trying to get me back. He got saved. And life was good, and we started dating again and just started from the beginning, and he worked so hard and spent so much money on this proposal."
She knows that it may seem to fans that she "just took it and said 'I forgive you,'" but she tells us that she was "humiliated" because that wasn't the case. "I don't like hearing about us on the internet because I am embarrassed. I feel like I look weak."
McKee says this wasn't the first problem to arise in her marriage as she admits to having committed adultery herself. "The whole, 'once a cheater, always a cheater' that I'm seeing every day on the internet is bull crap. Because if that's true about him, then it's true about me and I will not accept that."
"I went and had an affair, and he found out and had to forgive me," she says. "When he asked 'why?' it was because I was not receiving enough attention from [you] during my postpartum depression and another guy was giving me attention."
When the tables were turned and she asked Josh why he cheated, he pointed to fame and intimacy issues. "Mackenzie, you have not slept with me for 3 years. You don't even let me kiss you. You don't even connect with me. I know I should be here when your mom is sick, but you're asking why. You wouldn't even talk to me or pay attention to me," she remembers. "You know, sometimes you were more about fame than you were humbly about your marriage. You cared about how you looked like on the outside when you weren't in love with me on the inside."
As for where things currently stand between the two, McKee says that things are not quite back to where they once were. "I am having a hard time loving Josh the way I used to. And I'm kind of just figuring out myself," she says.
During a 30-day separation, she worked on herself. "I did therapy those 30 days, I did a fast. I fasted, and I did a 30 day like 'deep dig.'"
"I know people say 'leave if it's toxic for the kids. It's more unhealthy than to be apart.' It's not a toxic environment, it's just I'm having a hard time loving him. But, you know, it's been good. We're home, we're quarantined. He's been working, he's the moneymaker right now. He's here for us. He holds us together. I'm trying to figure myself out. It's just kind of smoother right now."